**Based on the real beliefs of the Avocado himself**
The Human Zoo - Mr David Avocado Wolfe
Sara messages the Avocado as she is a massive dumbcunt sorry, “fan” of the memes where he writes the kind of things you’d expect to be smeared in human faeces in the cell of Charles Manson while he’s on acid.
Sara meets an unblinking Avocado at an eatery, “OMG I love your curls Dave”.
The Avocado composes himself, “It’s David, and yes, the only product in the world that has Chakra-enhancing microbes is the Wolfe brand hair curling wand, available from my website. My hair is level 7”.
She takes a seat while the Avocado examines her. “Your flat breasts and butt remind me of the Earth, I like that”. Sara looks confused, “haha good one Dave”.
The Avocado looks irritated, “Its David, and you have much to learn, big Pharma want you to believe the Earth is round so they can sell you toxic sunscreen. If not why are we all not rolling? See?”
He continues to woo his prey, I mean date, “I can tell that you are not vaccinated m’lady”. She nods ecstatically, “of course not messiah, but how can you tell?” He smirks, “because you are not an autistic corpse ha ha, a little joke we have at Avocado HQ”. She orgsams three times.
While ordering, the Avocado only permits her to have a side dish of mushrooms as he has brought his own container full of Earthling-Fuel, available this May from his website. Everything else has GMOs, he can smell it.
“You know Sara, mushrooms contain alien DNA, they are from a place elsewhere to us. We must first praise Memela before consuming their flesh”
After dinner, the Avocado has a proposal, “how about you come back to my den and we can couple our genitals while hanging upside down, I’ll fuck that toxic gravity right out of your liver and you’ll cum anti-arthritis eons?”
Before getting her to do some upside downward dog he must complete his complicated ritual for obtaining an erection. Why complicated? Because his body is so nutrient deprived he makes the West African coast look like the Sizzler salad bar.
First he rubs some pure cacao on his balls, as chocolate is an octave of the sun he needs his little man to salute to. Next is a liberal dousing of deer antler spray (available on his website). The only substance known to man that is “levitational” in its nature (FACT).
BOOM. His chakra burst through his hemp jocks. They hang upside down, and the Avocado makes them face Atlantis. His dirty talk is unorthodox, “tell me Carl Sagan is a science-faggot baby”, “I’m going to fist you like Big Pharma is fisting the Ethiopian Chia farmers”, “share my meme!”.
Oh shit, her mobile phone goes off during the genital coupling. He stops mid-pump and pulls out a taser like device (available on his website), “I can't believe you gave me cancer, here you need to send at least 350 Wolfe-amps of electro-cado through my central chakra NOW”.
Thank god, the waves of electricity cure his cancer he just got from her mobile ringing and he howls into the night as he ejaculates his “soul spunk”, which he claims is 98% goji berry and can cure leukemia.
DIRTY POLITICAL DOUBLE STANDARDS "Malcolm Turnbull's Small Business Minister has charged taxpayers nearly $50,000 to stay in his wife's Canberra apartment but has defended the spending by comparing his travel allowance to penalty rates.
Michael McCormack is one of about 50 federal politicians believed to use their $273-a-night Canberra travel allowance to help pay off a second home. His wife bought the property in the leafy suburb of Kingston - close to Parliament House - in May 2013 and he now stays there whenever he visits." And is payed an allowance to stay at his own place!
Like us for more political insight like this! - Enough is Enough
It's taken 6 weeks to paint this giant art work on these South Australian grain silos. But can it help breathe life into the declining small community of Coonalpyn? This Sunday on Landline at noon. Thanks to Olivers Real Food, Timelapse of Adelaide and Coonalpyn Uniting Church for the footage.
🍻 Lodged this Private Member's Motion in Parliament this week with Joel to help our local Australian craft brewers compete against the multinationals. SHARE if you think the Parliament should pass the motion and help the Australian craft brewing industry grow 🇦🇺 🍻
TROPICAL CYCLONE ADVICE NUMBER 1 Issued at 12:36 pm EST on Friday 24 March 2017 Headline: Coral Sea tropical low should develop into a tropical cyclone and move west towards the coast over the weekend.
Areas Affected: Warning Zone None.
Watch Zone Cape Tribulation to Proserpine.
Cancelled Zone None.
Details of Tropical Low at 10:00 am AEST: Intensity: Tropical Low, sustained winds near the centre of 45 kilometres per hour with wind gusts to 85 kilometres per hour.
Location: within 110 kilometres of 16.1 degrees South 151.4 degrees East, estimated to be 610 kilometres east of Cairns and 600 kilometres northeast of Townsville.
Movement: south at 15 kilometres per hour.
The tropical low has been showing signs of strengthening and has been moving towards the south. During Saturday the low is expected to develop into a tropical cyclone and adopt a track towards the west, bringing it towards the north Queensland coast. Conditions are expected to favour the continued intensification of the system as it approaches the coast over the weekend.
Hazards: GALES are not expected along the coast in the next 24 hours.
However, given the expected intensification of the low and the forecast track towards the coast, coastal and island communities between Cape Tribulation and Proserpine, including the Whitsunday Islands, may be affected by this expected tropical cyclone during Saturday evening or Sunday morning.
Recommended Action: People between Cape Tribulation and Proserpine should consider what action they will need to take if the cyclone threat increases.
- Information is available from your local government
- For cyclone preparedness and safety advice, visit Queensland's Disaster Management
Services website (www.disaster.qld.gov.au)
- For emergency assistance call the Queensland State Emergency Service (SES) on
132 500 (for assistance with storm damage, rising flood water, fallen trees on buildings
or roof damage).
Next Advice: The next advice will be issued by 5:00 pm AEST Friday 24 March.
This is a photo of Parkes in the Central West yesterday after severe storms caused flash flooding. Hard to believe that Parkes is a town without a river looking at this picture! There are more severe storms today, and more flash flooding expected. You know the drill folks - stay out of floodwater - and consider having a chat about the dangers of floodwater with that "she'll be right" family member or friend who thinks they can handle driving in floodwater. That chat just might save a life.
Our stunning new Lindt Easter Gifting Eggs make the perfect canvas for your creativity. Why not let Lindt Master Chocolatier, Thomas inspire you with this Easter creation. Delicate decorations make these eggs the ultimate Easter gift for someone special.
Share your creations made with Lindt chocolate #MyLindtDessert
Learn more about our Easter eggs: http://bit.ly/Lindt-Easter-Eggs-17