A few years ago mothers like this had only attained level 1 of their chakra of dumbcuntery. Dabbling in almond activation like they were a bathrobe’d Pete “Paleo” Evans in the Woolworths nut aisle after eating too many shrooms.
That chakra level skyrocketed real quick when she got to meet the Jesus Christ of indulgent pseudo-health fuckwits: David “Avocado” Wolfe on his Aussie tour.
Now, the Avocado isn’t a water-into-wine kinda Jesus, no, he is more of a “preventable illness stricken infants are part of God’s holy plan” kinda Jesus. Notably less fun at parties.
After being empowered by bullshit, she was confident that vaccine scientists and doctors were merely presenting “opinions” and she had the right to pursue “alternative facts”.
What are alternative facts? Usually steaming piles of uncited shit that are shared via memes by the kinds of people who believe an organic diet cured their brain cancer but in reality simply defrauded a charity. Or as we say in the dangerous idiot world “Belle Gibson’d it”.
So, while our pro-infant life Government does everything it can to promote vaccination, we have moon-units planning day care centres where you can swap preventable diseases like they were cunt-amon cards.
Loosen that headband, might let some oxygen into your brain.
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1. Buy high quality tools, so you only have to buy them once. 2. Keep a change of clothes at the office/workplace 3. Never hit anyone unless they are an immediate threat. 4. Every hat should serve a purpose. 5. There's no purpose for a hat once you are indoors. 6. Never take her to the movies on the first date. 7. Learn to wet shave. 8. Nothing looks more badass than a well-tailored suit. 9. Shave with the grain on the first go-around. 11. Always look a person in the eye when you talk to them. 12. Buy a plunger before you need a plunger. 13. Polish your boots. 14. Exercise makes you happy. Run, lift, and play sports. 15. Brush your teeth before you put on your tie. 16. A small amount of your paycheck should go directly to your savings account every pay. 17. Call Mum and Dad every week. 18. Never wear a clip-on tie. 19. Give a firm handshake. 20. Compliment her shoes. 21. If you aren’t confident, fake it. It will come around. 22. Be conscious of your body language. 23. The only reason to ever point a gun at someone is if you intend to shoot them. Period. 24. Always stand to shake someone’s hand. 25. Never lend anything you can’t afford to lose. 26. Ask more than you answer. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. 27. When you walk, look straight ahead, not at your feet. 28. Nice guys don’t finish last, boring guys do. 29. Find your passion and figure out how to get paid for it. 30. Don’t let the little head do the thinking for the big head. 31. No matter their job or status, everyone deserves your respect. 32. The most important thing you can learn is personal responsibility. Bad things happen; it’s your job to overcome them.
33. A man does what needs to be done without complaining. 34. Never stop learning. 35.Always go out into public dressed like you’re about to meet the love of your life. 36.Don’t change yourself just to make someone happy. 37.If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room. 38.Luck favors the prepared. 39.Women find confidence sexy as hell. 40. No one is on their deathbed wishing they spent more time at work.
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**Based on the real beliefs of the Avocado himself**
The Human Zoo - Mr David Avocado Wolfe
Sara messages the Avocado as she is a massive dumbcunt sorry, “fan” of the memes where he writes the kind of things you’d expect to be smeared in human faeces in the cell of Charles Manson while he’s on acid.
Sara meets an unblinking Avocado at an eatery, “OMG I love your curls Dave”.
The Avocado composes himself, “It’s David, and yes, the only product in the world that has Chakra-enhancing microbes is the Wolfe brand hair curling wand, available from my website. My hair is level 7”.
She takes a seat while the Avocado examines her. “Your flat breasts and butt remind me of the Earth, I like that”. Sara looks confused, “haha good one Dave”.
The Avocado looks irritated, “Its David, and you have much to learn, big Pharma want you to believe the Earth is round so they can sell you toxic sunscreen. If not why are we all not rolling? See?”
He continues to woo his prey, I mean date, “I can tell that you are not vaccinated m’lady”. She nods ecstatically, “of course not messiah, but how can you tell?” He smirks, “because you are not an autistic corpse ha ha, a little joke we have at Avocado HQ”. She orgsams three times.
While ordering, the Avocado only permits her to have a side dish of mushrooms as he has brought his own container full of Earthling-Fuel, available this May from his website. Everything else has GMOs, he can smell it.
“You know Sara, mushrooms contain alien DNA, they are from a place elsewhere to us. We must first praise Memela before consuming their flesh”
After dinner, the Avocado has a proposal, “how about you come back to my den and we can couple our genitals while hanging upside down, I’ll fuck that toxic gravity right out of your liver and you’ll cum anti-arthritis eons?”
Before getting her to do some upside downward dog he must complete his complicated ritual for obtaining an erection. Why complicated? Because his body is so nutrient deprived he makes the West African coast look like the Sizzler salad bar.
First he rubs some pure cacao on his balls, as chocolate is an octave of the sun he needs his little man to salute to. Next is a liberal dousing of deer antler spray (available on his website). The only substance known to man that is “levitational” in its nature (FACT).
BOOM. His chakra burst through his hemp jocks. They hang upside down, and the Avocado makes them face Atlantis. His dirty talk is unorthodox, “tell me Carl Sagan is a science-faggot baby”, “I’m going to fist you like Big Pharma is fisting the Ethiopian Chia farmers”, “share my meme!”.
Oh shit, her mobile phone goes off during the genital coupling. He stops mid-pump and pulls out a taser like device (available on his website), “I can't believe you gave me cancer, here you need to send at least 350 Wolfe-amps of electro-cado through my central chakra NOW”.
Thank god, the waves of electricity cure his cancer he just got from her mobile ringing and he howls into the night as he ejaculates his “soul spunk”, which he claims is 98% goji berry and can cure leukemia.